One day I went to my now ex-husband and said “We need to get help this isn’t working” to which he replied “I don’t have a problem you have a problem when you get that sorted out we won’t have a problem. So I went to therapy by myself discovered he was my problem left and he was right I didn’t have a problem after that! Which perhaps isn’t fair because there was a lot more to it than that however it does bring up the question of relationship responsibility.
I know a lot of new age thought goes along the lines of if you be the change you want to see the other person will suddenly blossom into the perfect partner. Not always and I say this for a number of reasons. Firstly sometimes we enter into relationships for reasons that are not obvious at the time. Some of us are looking for father figures or safety or security or our self esteem is in the toilet so to speak and we will take whatever comes our way and be grateful for it.
Sometimes we get that “I am so lucky he/she wants plain old me” instead of the “Gee he/she is lucky to have someone like me.”
When we are in a relationship because we fear no one will ever want us we tend to give all of our self to the other person we become martyrs slaves to their needs. Which by the way is not their fault because we always have choice. So we give and give and they take and take and a little seed of resentment starts to grow within us. We get angry at them we get frustrated at ourselves and we stay exactly where we are because we do not believe anyone else would want us at least this is the message we got growing up.
So what happens if you suddenly wake up and start the process of change? Chances are in such a co-dependent relationship things are going to get a lot worst before they get any better. Change brings resistance people try and pull you back to where they think you belong because if you change they are forced to look at themselves. So will the other person change with you….maybe….maybe not.
And what do you do when you become the aware awake enlightened soul and the person lying beside you still thinks Monks are new age hippies with attitude. What then? Do you stay do you go do you confront do you keep doing what you doing and pray for a miracle?
If the responsibility for the relationship lies with both parties and you can only change your actions and words and the other person shows little or no interest in doing the work what then?
When do you let go and let God?
I know in todays society walking out the door when things get tough is a regular thing. Most people don’t want to do the work they want to step straight into the perfect relationship and not have to change a thing. Because more often than not they truly believe they are not the problem when things go wrong.
It has to be a two way street I will work on my stuff you work on yours and we will work together on our stuff. I am not the expert on you or what your relationships should look like. Nor do I know what you want from them. But I do know from personal experience there is only so much ‘work’ you can do before you have to put down the tools and go I can’t build this by myself. There is never one side to any story despite my issues with my ex-husband I can clearly see my part in any problems we had. And after recognizing things were not working I spent a year trying resurrect the relationship in hindsight it would not have worked regardless of anything I did but I walked away knowing I had done everything I could have.
When we walk into a relationship not knowing who we are we create an illusion not a partnership. So I might suggest finding out who you are at the core of your being is a wise move before starting a relationship. If you are okay with who you are where you are and what you are doing chances are you will attract someone who doesn’t need you but wants you in their life. So many people go from relationship to relationship wondering why they keep ending up with the same sort of people just in different wrapping. It never occurs to them they attract people who are reflection of everything they are running from.
So perhaps the responsibility lies firstly with self before the relationship even begins. Maybe we owe it to ourselves to gather the tools we need to build what we want. In my first relationship I had no intimacy or conflict resolution skills simple things but extremely necessary. I truly believe you do not give yourself to a relationship you bring your self to it. My partner and I tend the garden of our souls together but we are under no illusions we each need to do our part if we are to grow and flourish.
Is it time to let go and let God for you I don’t know but I do know life is too short to simply hang on to the end.